Introduction
Dear reader, let me introduce myself, I am God, the Lord of Heaven and Earth, the one and only, you must believe in me. Many years ago I sent down a manuscript which contained the story of your creation, rules on how to live your life and a host of entertaining short stories, all ingeniously woven together. I was very excited to see that the manuscript received critical acclaim, became the all-time best-seller and spawned a whole host of fan literature. Not only did people write extensive commentary on my manuscript - some of which I really love - but a few individuals even wrote entire books continuing and developing my stories into something entirely new. I'm very happy to have inspired such creativity, and I have no problem with people using my characters and my ideas, but over time people seem to have forgotten who wrote what and a lot of people seem to believe that all of it came from me. That simply isn't true. In fact, while we are on the subject of truth, let me tell you a story, a true story. A long time ago, I, God, was walking down the street in God-world. Actually we don't have streets here, and gods don't move around because there's no sense of dimension, but this human-metaphor will do. So there I was, minding my own business, when suddenly I fall down a hole. Again, hole is a metaphor for something that you simply can't imagine. I fell for a long time, and eventually I hit the bottom of the hole. I shouted for help but no one came. Slowly I realised that I was so far below the street that it would take a very long time for my voice to reach another god and it would take them longer still to find a way to rescue me. So as I'm sure you can imagine I was scared and lonely. Lest you have forgotten, I'll remind you again that I am God and what I'm telling you now is completely true. Well, at the bottom of this hole, sat I alone. I stared at the walls around me, they were very smooth and simple and despite many efforts I could not climb them. I feared I would go crazy in my isolation. But then a thought occurred to me. I, God, thought the following: if I fell down this hole, then perhaps other things have also fallen here too. Upon thinking this thought, I immediately became happier. Yes, there would definitely be something down here, something small perhaps, little more than a speck of dust. So I set about searching the dark corners of my hole. Lo and behold after much straining of my eyes I came upon something wonderfully intricate, something that would have the potential to entertain me for a long time much like one of your films or computer games. Why, this tiny speck of intricate detail was your universe. I had seen many things like it before, they pretty much litter the streets like old hail stones, but never had I bothered to look so closely and observe the inner workings of these things. Perhaps you can see what happened next. Well, there I was in god-world observing - my sense are rather different to yours - your universe and waiting to be rescued. For a while that's all I did, sit and observe. Once or twice I muttered something to myself, as you do in isolation especially when watching an engaging film. But unlike a film in your world I quickly discovered that my words reached your tiny planet and were being heard and recorded. For a moment I really believed I was crazy, but upon a second inspection I was sure that I was correct: I really could send messages down to these funny little creatures. Well, it was at this point that I decided I would tell you all a story. It would be a long story because I had a long time to tell it, and it would be a reasonably ingenious and engaging story because I wanted to have an affect on as many people as possible. The idea came to me that the story would be about me and you. I would claim to be your creator, and judge and I would ask you to worship me. Everything else was an afterthought or a sub-plot. As you know, and I have already mentioned, you took this bait and succeeded in entertaining me. So thank you. You will be glad to hear that I was rescued from the hole a long time ago, and I carried you with me. You are now sitting on a shelf in my home where I can check up on you every now and again. Believe me, all this is absolutely true, it's the word of God himself. Why, you may wonder is God telling us this now? Well, earlier today, for the first time I told one of my god-friends all about you. I even showed him your universe. His immediate reaction was that this was pretty exciting and would be big news to the other gods. But soon changed his mind, saying that it was incredibly mean to have lied and caused such havoc in this tiny fragile world. He recommended that I send you one final message explaining everything and apologising for the damage. This, as I hope you realise by now, is that explanation and apology. My intention is that upon reading this you will forget your religion and move on to what it is you humans do best: loving each other and learning about your world. In an attempt to make this easier, what follows is my new version of the bible. I've made everything sound completely stupid and unbelievable this time so that you can see that it was always just words. Just words, no more. I am the Lord your God and everything I say is always true. ;)